How funny. Recently I wrote a blog post about multi-dating (my term for dating more than one person at a time) and now, I was watching scenes from the show Srugim on youtube, and I found a scene where a girl is forced to choose between two guys who she’s been dating simultaneously because they suddenly found out what she was doing.
Here it is. Enjoy. It’s very cute!
Posted in Uncategorized | Tags: dating, multi-dating, reality tv, relationships, srugim, tv, סרוגים
Really it’s my dad’s motto but the whole modern world is built around it. How absolutely spectacular that more and more it’s not necessary for us to go anywhere.
Now, with Google Street View there is no longer a need to travel either! This works great for me because I dreamed of my family coming to visit me in Vancouver while I lived there. I’m so happy my uncle ended up coming for a conference from Toronto but none of my immediate family ever ended up making there way out there.
Now, suddenly, everything has changed. Now that Google Street View is available in Vancouver, I’m able to give my family a walking tour (OK, it’s a little slow to give a full tour but anyway) of where I lived! Seriously, it’s one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen. It’s amazing to literally see, on your computer screen, your apartment building, your street, from different angles, and to be able to “walk” down the street.
There are obviously different opinions about this Street View. Some people think it invades privacy. Google says (I’m paraphrasing from the Wikipedia article which you should read to get more accurate and extensive information) that all the pictures are taken from public property so it’s OK. Also, it seems that if you write to them and ask for your house to be removed, they’ll remove it. My friend’s friend wanted his house removed and he sent them an email using my friend’s computer. They went according to her IP instead of the address he provided in the email and now her house is off the map!
Wondering how they got all those pictures? Satellites is one of the guesses I’ve heard but that can’t work because from above you don’t see all the details that you see from the street. It is actually cars driving around the streets of the world with cameras propped on top of the roofs. Cool, no?
Anyway, take a look. It’s a thrill. I’m sure my dad is very proud of Google.
How to use it
It’s very easy. You just go to the regular Google Maps site, type in the address you want and then click on the pointer pointing to the place on the map. If Street View is available in that area, a picture will show up in the balloon. Click on the picture and it’ll maximize. Then start clicking on the different arrows to figure out how to look up and down, how to move backwards and forwards and how to zoom in and out.
Enjoy!
Posted in Uncategorized | Tags: google, google maps, google street view, never go anywhere, street view, technology
If there is one thing that people say to singles that makes me want to go hide under my bed for the rest of my life, it’s, “You may as well just go out for coffee with the guy. I mean, you never know and it’s just a cup of coffee.”
Ichsa. Patooee!
Haha, I know, such a strong reaction to such a small sentence which, all in all, is not totally untrue. We don’t ever know and I just wrote a blog post on blogmidrash about the fact that sometimes we imagine that nothing could ever work out with a certain person but in the end that isn’t necessarily true. So why the abhorrence?
Where to begin…
As some people – and now all of you – are privy to know (yeah, I know it’s not exactly privy once it’s on a blog but lets pretend this is intimate here), dating is very painful for me. (I am toning it down here since, honestly, I’m worried about scaring people off.)
Basically, saying to me, “What have you got to lose?” is like saying, “Just go smother yourself in tar and feathers. It’s only tar and feathers!” And who knows what wonders may come of it!
Please imagine… You want to get married. You’ve been trying to meet the right person for, say, 11 years. A lot of different things have happened in those 11 years but, bottom line, you’re still freakin’ single.
Now also imagine that you are a very sensitive person and you can’t help but hope, each time, that maybe this time it’ll be the right person. Maybe this time it’ll be the last first date you’ll ever have to go on.
It is emotionally exhausting! I speak to so many people who feel the same way. Where the hell we find the energy to keep trying, I don’t know. Well, I know. We want to meet the “one” and so we feel we need to take certain steps in order to try to make it happen. In general, we have very little control over this process. Whatever effort we make, we know it’s possible it still won’t lead to the result we hope for. But we feel the importance of doing whatever we have strength to do.
But just like it’s important for us to do what we can, it’s also equally as important not to push ourselves too hard. And when someone says to me, “What’s the big deal, it’s just a cup of coffee,” I feel hurt! Just a cup of coffee?
Me: “Hi. I’d like to order one cafe hafooch natool [decaf latte, in case you're wondering] and a side order of heart-break, please.”
Each of us must be very conscious of what we’re going through during this process. What do we have strength for, what don’t we have strength for. If someone calls you up and wants to set you up with someone, you should not feel like you have to say yes because otherwise the person will think badly of you. I always imagine the person offering the set-up thinking, “Well, no wonder she’s not married. She isn’t even willing to go out with this totally decent guy.”
That is unfair thinking. Other people’s job is to try to set the single person up. It is the single person’s job to decide for themselves what is good for them and what is not. There is an idea in Judaism that everything in life is a partnership between us and God. We need to do our hishtadlut (put in our effort) and then God does His part. One girl who just got engaged after also waiting so many years to meet the right person, just said to me that sometimes our hishtadlut is specifically saying “No.” This makes so much sense because, as she said, sometimes we do know that it’s not worth giving it a shot with a certain guy. And if we focus on something we know is wrong, meanwhile Mr. Right can’t get in the door.
So please people, both fellow singles and those who may remember once, long ago, being single, remember that dating when you don’t want to be dating is heart-breaking and extremely energy consuming. It ain’t just a cuppa coffee.
P.S. I need to say something very important here. My feelings about dating have very little to do with the guys themselves. When, last night, I told a guy that I don’t like dating, I prefaced it by saying, “No offense to you and your gender.”
Honestly, for the most part, once I’m actually on a date, I usually basically enjoy myself. I like talking to people so it’s OK. But it’s all the before and after and the thoughts within it that make it so difficult. So nervous leading up, so hopeful and then, afterwards, having to either tell the guy you don’t want to go out again (that KILLS me every time) or him having to tell you. And, maybe the worst, is the heartbreak you know you very possible will feel and you know the other person is very possibly going to feel as well.
Posted in relationships | Tags: coffee, date, dates, dating, disappointment, emotions, heartbreak, hope, marriage, relationships, you never know
You know how some people go out with more than one person at a time? Is that at all fair/moral?
I totally don’t believe that’s OK. In general, when we’re involved with someone romantically (on any level) or getting to know someone, through dating, we should just try to focus on that person and not confuse ourselves by dating someone else at the same time.
Someone just said to me that today we multi-task all the time and so some people multi-task in dating too. I think, though, that if we consider the purpose and point of dating, it is something that just doesn’t work if we do it with more than one person at once.
And, if you were to tell me that you’re starting to date someone else because you’re pretty sure it’s not gonna work out with the first person anyway, well, that’s just screwed up. If it’s not going to work with the other person, break up with that person first.
Is there any legitimacy in dating two people simultaneously?
Posted in relationships | Tags: dating, girls, guys, guys and girls, multi-tasking, relationships
Has feminism messed things up? I am glad I live after the feminist movement. I feel I have way more rights and freedom than I would have had a couple hundred years ago (and any time before that and 150 years after that too, so it seems) but there are definite drawbacks. There are actually really serious ones but I’m no expert on that. Lets talk about something about which I am an expert (along with way too many other people).
Dating.
I yearn for the days when the place of the guy and girl on a date was clear. The guy picks the girl up. The guy opens doors. The guy, yes, pays.
I wish it was like that because it was much clearer. But, though it’s more complicated now, I must ask myself if that really was better.
I have heard in the past, and I believe it’s true, that dating is very different from marriage. Meaning, we might think that a guy should act a certain way while dating because that is part of proper dating etiquette, but some of those things don’t matter at all in making a good marriage so we might be focusing on the wrong things.
Basically, for those of us dating for marriage, we need to figure out (if possible) what actions and character traits are important to pay attention to and which don’t matter.
Also, a certain character trait might express itself one way during dating and another way during marriage. For example, someone told me that the guy she married didn’t want to take her out a lot. He preferred cheaper dates. Only after marriage, of course, she learned how giving he is towards her, his wife. So, in his case, he may have come across as not generous while dating but, in fact, he is, and the girl is, obviously, very happy she was able to see what a good person he is, even if according to general dating beliefs, maybe she should have stopped being with him.
So my question is, is paying on dates an indicator of good marriage material? The question of who should pay on the dates is a really difficult one. For me, personally, it’s difficult because there is no good answer. I feel uncomfortable either way. I happen to believe the guy should pay but there are a few problems with that.
First, if the guy is always going out with girls, not in the gross way, but if he is looking for his soul mate and so dating different girls, it can really add up! Talk about an extra expense.
If the guy is dating the same girl for a while, it also starts feeling weird. When I dated a guy for a while, we got to a point where we’d share expenses and he’d take on extra. So it wasn’t 50-50 but maybe… I dunno, 70-30, something like that. OK, but maybe that made sense because he also had way more income than me. Should income not come into play? Which of course brings up the question, what if the girl is the one making way more? How would it make sense for the guy to pay then?
There is another problem. I feel so uncomfortable every time. Guys, seriously, please know that it’s not easy to watch someone else pay! I think it’s good for the guy to pay but I always feel badly about it, as if I’m mooching off the guy. That is one of the reasons that it’s so important to me when the guy shows that he’s happy to do it. “Yay! I get to pay the bill!” is an example of what I like to hear while the guy is taking out his wallet. OK, kidding. But seriously, along with the hellos and goodbyes of dating, I find this part of the date very awkward. : ) If I really had the feeling that the guy wants to pay and enjoys being able to do that for the girl (aka me), it would almost totally eliminate the awkwardness I feel. The problem is, I don’t know that that is how the guy feels and I’ve experienced the opposite so it’s left its mark on me.
Anyway, putting all those “problems” aside, there is a very basic question that comes up. I have a feeling it’s good for the guy to pay (to a certain extent) but can someone please explain to me in a way that I can understand, why is it really important? I could swear I’ve heard explanations a million times but I still never totally get it.
Or is it good?
Next maybe I should write about opening doors. : )
Posted in Uncategorized | Tags: dates, dating, dating and marriage, dating etiquette, guys, guys and gals, guys and girls, marriage
I recently went from living totally alone in Vancouver to living with many people in my parents’ home in Jerusalem. You know, when I lived alone, I used to put off meals. I didn’t really want to deal with them.
We’ve always tried to eat together in my family and I think that it is a priority. I remember when we were teenagers, my siblings and I used to try to keep each other company while we were eating. If I was about to have a bite alone, I could call down to my bro, for example, and as long as he was available, he’d come and keep me company, even if he wasn’t eating himself. I remember that meaning a lot to me.
I do see that I eat more when I’m eating with my family – not the best thing – but I still think that it’s better than eating alone. I’m so grateful that I don’t have to eat alone anymore. I also now understand why one of the most important parts of the program L’Chaim where I used to work with Jewish elderly, is the meal.
But why is it so important to us? I mean, isn’t food just nourishing our bodies? Yes, but maybe it’s hard to believe there is importance in nourishing our bodies if we feel alone. Doesn’t seem much meaning in nourishing your body if you don’t have people in your life to give to in one way or another, right?
Posted in Uncategorized | Tags: community, companionship, eating, eating alone, eating together, he who eats alone dies alone, meals
It seems to be natural to us to keep the more difficult things in our lives to ourselves and be much more open about the happy events in our lives. So often we don’t know about relationship, financial or other troubles in people’s lives. But very often, after the fact, we hear from the person how they went through a very hard time and thank God, this and that happened and now things are so much better.
But is this how it should be? Should we feel so hesitant to share the hardships in our lives with others? Of course there are the really bad cases of drug addicts or abused women who keep their suffering a secret but what about less serious things? Is it bad if more than just your closest family and friends know, for example, if you’re arguing with your husband? Or if you’re worried about your finances? Or if you feel unsure about where you are religiously? Why do these things feel so private?
I think that the main reason we don’t share our problems widely is because if we tell someone about our problems, we’re opening ourselves up, for good and for bad. It gives others the opportunity to “help” us by giving us advice and offering assistance. Advice and assistance that we don’t necessarily want.
But it also might be help that we really could use. Is it possible that if we were more open about our problems, we’d get better help quicker?
I think another reason we feel the need to sort of put on a show for the outside world is because there is a fear – very possibly a legitimate one – that if people know really how sad or worried I am about something or, if people see what problems I’m going through, they will look at me differently, respect me less and not necessarily want to have as much to do with me.
It definitely is true that someone who complains too much is hard to be around. But if you have to hide your feelings too much that isn’t good either. Especially if the problem is big enough that it’s really affecting you. You know those people who make a lame attempt to pretend everything is OK? You almost wish they’d just be open and admit that something is wrong. Well, except, then you need the strength to hear about the person’s problems.
So, where is the balance? Shouldn’t we be able to act at least a little more human around each other?
Posted in Uncategorized | Tags: advice, assistance, privacy, problems, public, secretive
This evening I was walking back home after having dinner with my coworkers and boss from L’Chaim. We’d planned to go out together and now, since I’m leaving, they decided it would be a going away party for me. So nice.
By the end of the meal with them I felt so nostalgic. I told them that they have been such a pleasure to work with. It has been so much fun, so pleasant and they’ve all been so supportive. It’s true. It’s really been great being part of that kind of team. Funny, I always hate words like “team” but in this case, I could see what that’s all about. Actually, one of our clients’ spouses pointed it out to us one day last week. She said that we always work so well together, always making sure that the clients’ needs are taken care of. That, to me, is the biggest compliment because it is my goal, to be working in a way that I’m filling the needs of the clients and helping them however I can.
But now I’m leaving that. After I told them how much it was a wonderful joy (yeah, those words) to have worked with them, they jokingly said, “So stay.”
*Heartbreak*
See, that’s the thing. There are such beautiful people here (something else I wouldn’t normally say but I’m nostalgic so I’m allowed). At work, at the Kollel, all over! It’s amazing, exciting and so heart-warming to see people being good and kind. But that doesn’t mean I should stay. No, all it means is that I have been so blessed to have such beautiful people in my life here.
I walked home from dinner along Main Street, taking pictures (with my new camera) of all the cute shops along the way which I’ve always noticed and felt I need to capture before I return. Like the wool store called “Three Bags Full.” And I felt so sad.
I see such beauty everywhere I turn. Beautiful people, beautiful places. And I’m leaving it behind. And I realized, the reason change is so painful for us is because it’s a taste of death. It is a healthy reminder that nothing is permanent. When we make a big change, we leave certain things behind, possibly, or probably, forever. And it’s not bad; it’s the way it’s supposed to be. It’s the way it should be and it’s probably very good. But it hurts like hell.
At dinner tonight someone was talking about a friend who did one thing for 20 years and then something completely different for the next 30 and at the time I was thinking, “Wow, it really is as if we live a few lives within our one life.” It really is true. And every time one of those “lives” comes to an end, it’s like a mini death.
But it is also like a mini birth. Or maybe a great birth. My mother always says that she doesn’t understand people who are so horrified when they move onto new stages in their lives. So what, that they became grandparents. Yes, it means you’re older but it’s exciting! My mother has been able to embrace each stage as a blessing.
I wonder if those depressed by the idea of progressing to a new life stage (or getting a white hair) are freaked out because it means they are one step closer to the grave. Of course that’s horrifying! If, on the other hand, you’re happy about each new stage, it’s not that you’re oblivious to the fact that you’re mortal. But you are happy about the new life which you’ve been given to live.
Blug. I feel like I’m being so morbid but I can’t help it. It’s the change’s fault. Blame it.
At times like this evening it really gets to hurt a lot and I wonder how I’m going to get through the next two weeks. I came home, looked at myself in the mirror and cried to myself a little bit.
But of course I’ll get through it. I will continue having amazing times with amazing people (I mean beautiful times with beautiful people) during the next two weeks and I’ll keep reminding myself that yes, life is temporary, but even more so, that is why it’s good I’m making sure to live it to the fullest. And if moving on from something that aint so bad (or should I say, really quite good) to something that will hopefully be awesome, is a smart move, then so be it! … Please God!
Posted in Uncategorized | Tags: change, death, life, mortality, moving, nostalgia, nothing is permanent
I’m going through such an intense emotional experience and it is all based on a TV show of fictitious characters. I don’t know if I’ve ever had this before and it’s at once fascinating and disturbing! How can I care so deeply about people who are figments of someone else’s imagination? What if I told you I’ve even dreamed about them? I mean, seriously, there is something messed up there, no?
And here is another scary question: Would the intensity of my feelings be stronger if they were actual people going through the exact same experiences? What if somehow it could be proven that the intensity of my emotions is as if the characters are real? Yikes!
I’m really not sure exactly what is going on here and admittedly, it does freak me out a little, feeling so strongly about fictitious characters. But lets try to understand it a bit.
First, I think that my feelings aren’t based exactly on those people’s feelings. I think that my thought process is that what I am seeing in an imaginary setting is, very possibly, happening in real life to someone somewhere. Or, at the very least, has happened or will happen. And the thought of someone really going through that, touches me. I don’t think it would touch me if the show wasn’t based in our shared human experience.
Also, of course, the story lines touch me personally. It brings up feelings that I have about my own life. For example, when I see someone who is perfectly good and lovely, and he is not meeting his soulmate, I commiserate with him.
I don’t know! Maybe those explanations still don’t fully explain the depth of my reaction to the show. Maybe they just did an amazing job – at least in my books – at depicting characters, making me love them, relate to them, even care about them.
I think that it’s important, especially when affected so strongly by something, to be conscious of how it changes you. In this case, one of the most touching things about the show is that the girl, the main character, Jan Di, is so loved and cared-for just because she herself is so good and kind. She is not especially beautiful, she is not from a rich family, and she never changes her very plain style (as opposed to what’s-her-name in Grease) but her friends take pride in having her in their lives. I actually loved that till the very end, even though she’s surrounded by gorgeous, well-dressed people all the time, she doesn’t change in the tiniest bit! What an exciting idea!
This “proves” to me that it really does work to be yourself and just try to be kind and good. She also never worries about making an impression on anyone ever. I love that.
I also am deeply touched by how the guys treat the girls they like. They treat them like gems that should be cared for and treasured. I find it so beautiful. Am I naive? Don’t say yes, I don’t want to hear it. The show has brought out the hopeless romantic side of me. I think the idea of a man taking care of a woman like that is beautiful. Beautiful. I mean, deeply, humanly, touchingly beautiful.
I’m embarrassed to say that watching it has been such an intense experience for me, that I need some time to get over it. My friend who lent it to me had a similar experience. She also says she’s never had such intense conversations about fictional characters so maybe it really is an awesome show. Let me know if you watch it, what you think.
It’s a Korean TV show called Boys Before Flowers. Best to watch it on DVD but I think you can find most of it in 10-minute increments on You Tube. Here is the first part of the first episode with subtitles in English.
One last question: Is the fact that the show makes me see life differently good or bad?
Posted in Uncategorized | Tags: boys before flowers, boys over flowers, emotions, fiction, korean tv, south korea
The word “client” always seemed to have a cold and distant touch to it but, on the other hand, it felt like a fair and respectful word to use. Better than “patient,” in many instances, right?
Well, so I thought. I mean, for a long time it didn’t sit totally comfortably with me but I got used to it over time. Until someone just brought it up with me.
I was talking about the elderly people with whom I work and I kept calling them “the clients.” My friend pointed out there is something not so nice about the word and suddenly I realized, it’s like saying to “the client”: “If you weren’t paying me, I wouldn’t be here.”
If you’re a lawyer it’s OK to say that. If you’re working with elderly people who you care about and have some kind of a bond with, it’s really not that nice, is it?
Also, if it isn’t nice, what word can be used instead?
Do you think the word is OK? What word might be better?
Posted in Uncategorized | Tags: client, elderly, language, the word client, words
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